John Kerry Elected President of San Andreas

The runner up in the 2004 Presidential Election, John Kerry, has been elected the President of the fictional city San Andreas. The city, featured in the latest instalment of the Grand Theft Auto series, and although fictional has a population of over a million.

Kerry, who ran for President, admitted he is addicted to the game and stated he believes his addiction to the game probably cost him the Presidency.

‘It’s terrible to say this,’ Kerry admitted, ‘But when I was supposed to be working hard on last minute tactics to win the public support I was glued to my Playstation robbing banks, shooting police and stealing cars. If the game’s release had been delayed until after the election then I would probably have been moving into the White House next January.’

On hearing Kerry’s confession, George Bush responded by stating it was no excuse. He explained that the game’s developers had lent him an early beta of the game early in its development ‘ long before the election campaign began:

‘John Kerry is right about one thing,’ Bush conceded, ‘The game is criminally good. By day I may have only been President of the United States ‘ but at night and weekends I was hanging with my homies dealing drugs and shooting people in the face. What a fantastic experience.’

The popularity of the game has become so widespread, that US soldiers operating in Falluja have been granted 15 minutes in every hour to play it.

‘Since I’ve arrived in Iraq I’ve killed 16 Iraqi insurgents,’ Captain Chuck Hankman recounted, ‘However I killed 20 police with one rocket in the first 5 minutes of San Andreas. Admittedly I had used a cheat to get the rocket launcher but I couldn’t wait. People think that the excitement doesn’t get any thicker than being on the front line in the war on terror but they’re wrong. You don’t get a god mode in real life ‘ I walked into a bank whilst police unloaded round after round into me’ suckers!’

The Iraqi militants made sure to make the most use of the regular 15 minute pause in the American onslaught as one terrorist explained to us:

‘It is most fortunate that the Americans stop every 15 minutes during their onslaught – if they didn’t we too would not have time to play Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Bombing hospitals, running over innocent civilians, shooting children’ it sure is great to get a little light relief.’

Related link:Random Perspective.